


The Seeker and the Unwelcome Tagalong

by ifwedieyoung



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: F/M, Romance, cassaric, tethraghast - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-25
Updated: 2015-05-25
Packaged: 2018-03-25 18:27:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 9,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3820423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ifwedieyoung/pseuds/ifwedieyoung
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A Cassaric/Tethraghast story. Varric wakes up hung over with a girl in his bed, what's new?</p><p>(Unfinished and retired)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Varric cringed, despite the fact that his eyes were closed the light coming through them was somehow all too bright. Maker, he thought to himself, how the hell did I get this hung over? He laid there quietly until he could finally handle the light coming through his eyelids and then he ever so slowly opened his eyes. At first everything was blinding and white but slowly his eyes adjusted and he recognized his room as his own, in Skyhold. He surveyed the room slowly for any damage he had done getting into his bed. Did he get himself into bed?, he wondered. The room looked somewhat ransacked, starting from the right and scanning he saw that all of the paper and books on his desk had been thrown off to the ground, he saw his breeches hanging off the top corner of his wardrobe, and to his left... a naked woman.   
Okay, Varric, who is the girl?  
He looked at her and rubbed the sleep from the corners of his eyes. The covers were pulled up over her hips loosely. She had a long scar running from her right hip to her left shoulder along with lots of little scars all over body. So not a hand maiden or a bar maid or anything of the like. He looked up her body farther, to the back of her head.   
Fuck.  
Cassandra Pentaghast was laying in his bed. Naked. And he was laying in his bed. He was equally naked, if not more somehow with how vulnerable he felt. He fumbled with the tangle of covers and scampered out of his bed, nearly hitting the floor in the process. He grabbed a tunic out of his wardrobe and slid it over his head, he jumped and snatched the breeches off the top of the wardrobe cringing at the noise he made when he hit the ground. He laced up his breeches and tugged on his boots before heading to the door. He sucked a deep breath in and took a final glance back before walking out.   
\------  
After he rounded up a hearty breakfast from the tavern to try and soak up the remaining alcohol in his system, he started walking back to the castle. A hand gripped his shoulder and every part of his body screamed a prayer that it was not Cassandra. He was whipped around and found himself face to face with... The Iron Bull? "Bull?" Varric said startled but not displeased at who he found.  
The Iron Bull gave a deep throaty laugh and looked at him "Glad you're alive, we thought you were all a goner but you just kept going and going and going and-"  
"Bull, what the hell happened last night?" Varric interrupted wanting to get to the bottom of how Cassandra round up in bed.   
"Well," Bull started. "Well, we started this drinking game. You, me, the Tevinter, and the Warden that is. We would tell the most gruesome battle story we could think of and whoever flinched took a shot, and whoever made an involuntary noise finished their drink. You were winning at first but then Adaar, Cullen and Pentaghast showed up and your luck went way downhill. Cassandra and Adaar carried you back to the room and that's the last I saw."   
"Thank you, Bull. We'll speak later." Varric said and turned back to the castle determined to not be found by Cassandra.   
He got about four and a half feet into the banquet hall when Inquisitor Adaar stopped him. Maker's balls, he thought, can I please have one second to reconcile this? "Varric, hey, get ready, at noon we travel to Crestwood, meet me, Solas, and Cassandra... or maybe Vivienne and Cassandra. I don't know meet me and definitely Cassandra here at noon, okay?" Adaar walked away muttering to themselves about mages and their strengths.   
Fuck, shit, shit, fuck, fuck, fuck, shit, fuck, Maker damn it, shit, fuck, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. Varric thought to himself as he jogged to his quarters to get ready. He laced, buckled, and clicked himself into his armor. He picked up Bianca from the smith's, the Inquisitor had it modified the day before, and his potions from the undercroft. He waited until the very last second to go to the meeting spot so as to not have to talk to Cassandra. When he arrived Inquisitor Adaar, Cassandra, and Solas were standing there expectantly. He looked for some sort of tell from Cassandra, a glint in her eye? A twitch of her mouth? A twitch of her hand to her sword? But there was nothing.   
\-----  
The next day they arrived in Crestwood. The place was a goddamn mess, undead were popping up from fucking everywhere. The mayor didn't sit right with Varric but he agreed that if they could overtake Caer Bronach they could have access to the dam. They just finished doing so and the Inquisitor was now dragging them around to discover every little nook and cranny. And Cassandra said absolutely nothing. Not a goddamn word. It had been silence and the occasional quip from Solas about ancient elvish this or ancient elvish that.   
Finally Adaar released them for the evening to rest but promised they would be up bright and early the next morning to start again. Varric gave an exaggerated yawn to make it clear the he was ready to hop straight into bed and sleep, only sleep, especially to Cassandra. He hurried to his tent without incident and started undressing, a complicated part with all the armor he had on, but he only got his chest plate off before Cassandra ripped open his tent.


	2. Chapter 2

Time stopped. Varric pictured every possible scenario for what Cassandra was about to do. He started saying the Chant in his head in case these were his final moments, his eyes fluttering closed as he did not want to witness his own death. "Varric?" The Seeker said. "Varric, look at me."   
Varric opened his eyes and looked up slowly until he met Cassandra's gaze. "Varric... we need to talk about what happened." She said sitting down on his bed roll. Varric nodded slowly.   
"What happened was... inappropriate. On both of us. There is a war going on and we chose to get drunk and have sex when we could have been helping, training, something. But I felt that I needed to clear the air and say that it was... consensual. I wanted it to happen. Do not let guilt burden you." She looked up, she had been picking at her nails the whole time to avoid Varric's gaze.   
Varric scratched the back of his neck. "Well that's good, I mean, I hadn't even thought about it not being consensual, which makes me a huge ass. I'm glad that you're not mad, Seeker, I thought for sure all of the beautiful progress towards our neutrality towards one another was going to be laid to waste." He cracked a half smile trying to ease the tension.   
"Varric, this is not a joke." Cassandra said sternly. "I wanted this. Did you?"   
Time stopped for Varric. Did he want this? He thought of Bianca. She was married, he knew that, and although she always found him again for a brief reunion, a stolen kiss, a fast fuck in a broom closet. He was on her hook, totally and what felt like irrevocably. He knew if he broke it off she wouldn't care. They would still find each other occasionally but maybe now he would feel less self hatred every time she walked away.   
He thought about Cassandra. A crazy, brave, passionate, headstrong, wise woman. To think he had gone from being her prisoner to being her friend, he almost chuckled. Then again Adaar had done the same thing. She was stunningly gorgeous, too. Not in the way that made men weak in the knees, but in the way that made men fall to their knees in worship of her, a goddess, an Athena. Even though only a few weeks before she was ready to strangle him over hiding Hawke, he knew that they were still okay, and not just because they talked about it, but just in the way they interacted. The apology didn't hurt, though.   
"Varric!" Cassandra snapped.   
"What?" He said getting pulled out his thoughts, his eyes focusing back on her.   
"Did-" she sucked in a breath. "Did you want this too?"   
"I don't know," he said. It was the truth. "I think I wanted it at the time, but... I'm not sure, I mean hell, I thought you and Adaar were-"  
"What!" She said taken aback. "No! They- they flirted with me. And when I approached them about it they agreed that they didn't have the time to properly- this isn't the point. No. The Inquisitor and I are friends, nothing more."   
She stood up and started moving back and forth through the tent, her body hunched so that she would not hit her head on the low hanging ceiling. "I know you have someone, right?" She gestured to his crossbow in lieu of explanation or saying the word.   
"Bianca. You know her name, Seeker." He said, saying her title out of reflex rather than anger.   
"Bianca." She said dryly. "Yes."   
"Things between Bianca and I are-" he started.   
"Complicated. Yes. I know." She said looking at him. "This was a mistake." She started towards the flap of the tent.   
"Cassandra, wait!" He grabbed her by her belt and she spun around.   
"What!" She became unhinged in that moment, fear, confusion, and love all bubbling up and spilling out. "What, Varric? What do you want? I am not going to be another Bianca. I am not going to allow you to sweep this under the rug. I told the Inquisitor what I wanted, and he refused. Love cannot blossom in war. This. Never. Happened." Her eyes widened at what she had said, her filter had been removed for the moment. "Forget I told you this." She turned back to the exit of the tent.   
Varric pulled on her belt, which he still had a hand on. "What do you want Cassandra? I cannot give it to you if I don't know what it is. Maker's breath, I can't even know if I want to give it to you if I don't know what it is!"   
"I want to be courted!" She practically screamed. "I don't want to be a drunken one night stand who fades into memory, who becomes a story. I don't want to be your... Bianca. I want romance!" And with that she ripped away from his hand and stormed out the of tent.   
Varric groaned and finished taking off his armor before falling back onto his bed roll.


	3. Chapter 3

Varric thought his stint at Crestwood would never end. All of the other companions were cycled in and out but him, for some Maker forsaken reason. It was probably just Adaar's forgetfulness and if Varric had asked, he would have let him leave. But no, Varric was too committed to do that, he felt he had to prove himself after the Inquisitor put him through the ringer for hiding Hawke.  
At last after overtaking Caer Bronach, closing the underwater rift, exhuming the dead bodies, and finding Stroud, the Inquisitor returned to Skyhold to try the Mayor of Crestwood. As to not seem too eager to leave he watched the Mayor's Execution. He wished the Inquisitor would have sent him to Fereldan, but it was not his choice.  
He went to Val Royeaux and bought candles, chocolates, wine, flowers, and fine silk bedding. He returned to Skyhold and paid off Solas to distract Cassandra for as long as he possibly could, which he begrudgingly agreed to while muttering something under his breath, all Varric heard was "Child of the Stone". He went to Cassandra's quarters and changed her bed linens. He took the flowers and scattered them over the bed. Next, he took the candles and placed them around the room, lighting them. Finally the wine was poured and the chocolates were placed on a silver plate. Varric downed one glass of wine before refilling it, all that was left was to wait.  
He sat on the bed for what felt like hours but in reality was probably only 30 or 40 minutes. Finally he heard her unlocking the door and jumped from the bed. "What the-?"  
"Cassandra," he interrupted. "Cassandra, you said you wanted romance. And this, your Lady Seekerness, is how one is romanced in the Free Marches." He held his hand out to her and she took it despite the furrow in her brow.  
"The one thing I am lacking though is your father's permission to court you." Cassandra rolled her eyes. "But I asked Blackwall."  
Cassandra almost yelped before Varric cut her off with laughter "Kidding, Cassandra. We're all adults." He led her to the bed and she sat down. "Don't worry, your bed linens are with some maids." He went and grabbed the wine glasses from her desk and offered one to her. She took it and began sipping from it while Varric brought over the chocolates.  
"Varric, how- when- why did you do this?" She said idly grabbing a flower and sniffing it before putting it down to pop a chocolate in her mouth.  
"Well, I went to Val Royeaux and got all the supplies, and then I paid off Solas to give you a lecture on elven whatever, and then I suck up here and got everything ready." He said. "And I did it because I think this deserves a shot, I think we might have something if we both want it, and this is what you want. Courtship."  
She sat in stunned silence for a moment taking everything in. She looked up at him, scrutinizing him. He sat down next to her on the bed and her gaze followed him. "Cassandra?" He asked gently.  
She looked up at the ceiling and muttered something, a prayer? She looked back to Varric, leaned down and pressed her lips to his. His hand found the back of her head, the other one trying to keep his wineglass level, she did the same, her free hand tilting up his head by his chin. As their kiss grew more heated Varric broke free, taking their wineglasses and setting them on the floor. He straddled her lap, lacing his fingers behind her head. Her hands clutched the front of his tunic trying to pull him closer.  
Varric was just about to reach for the bottom of her tunic when she suddenly broke away. He looked up into her eyes, "Cass?" He breathed.  
"Varric..." She gently pushed him off her lap onto the bed next to her. "Varric, before we can... do... whatever this is," she took a breath. "You need to tell me about her. About Bianca."


	4. Chapter 4

Varric tensed. He had expected this question of course, just not so soon. He nodded and closed his eyes, rubbing his face with his hands. "Let me think of where to start."  
Varric scooted up on her bed so he was propped up against the headboard and took a deep, calming breath. "As you know, I am a surface dwarf, born and raised in Kirkwall. When things started getting rough I needed something better than an old hunting bow to keep off people who thought I owed them. So I sought out someone with mechanical skills. Everyone that I talked to, dwarf and human alike, directed me to her. Bianca, Bianca Davri," he smiled thoughtfully. "She took one look at me and told me to come back in a month. I don't know why, but I did.   
"She had this way of..." he paused. "Just making you feel like everything she said made sense. Still does. So anyway, I came back a month later and there she was with her," he pointed to Bianca. "She said, 'try it out, come back if it's not the finest bow you've ever used.' So I went hunting with Bartrand and she was absolutely right. You think Bianca is magnificent now, you should've seen her in her glory days.   
"Well, I was intrigued so after the trip I came back and she looked at me, hands on her hips 'What?' she quipped 'You're not getting your money back, we both know that.' And I laughed. 'No,' I said. 'No, no. I want to take you out to dinner, or drinks, or really-' she cut me off 'Meet me here at 7' and spun on her heel and walked back into her smith.   
"So I came back, right at seven and she was there and she just started walking. So I followed her halfway across Kirkwall to this disgusting hole of a bar, which is saying a lot coming from me. I don't know why I expected her to explain but she didn't. She sat down and ordered us drinks and then just looked at me. And at first I thought about saying something but then I realized she wasn't waiting on me, she was sizing me up. I felt like I would just combust under her gaze. Finally she nodded and she asked me what I did. And that just broke the dam. We stayed there until, Andraste's ass, I don't know, 5? 6 in the morning? And when they kicked us out we walked around some back streets and kept talking. We just, we connected in this weird fundamental way that I don't understand, and I probably will never understand.   
"But the more I look at it retrospectively the more I regret ever getting involved past friendship. I finally was informed that she was to have an arranged marriage which is why we had to have these back alley dates, so we couldn't be found out. The first time we fucked was in a back alley, up against the side of the building." Cassandra wrinkled her nose so he decided to not go into further detail on those matters. "Anyway, what was this deep and intense connection eventually melted into just hot and furious passion of two stupid 20 year olds. Hormones still raging, boundaries constantly being tested.   
"But it came to an end. That part is messy and mostly political so I'll cut to the chase, the Dwarven Merchant's Guild forced us to separate. She was later pushed into the arranged marriage, a nice boy from the Smith Caste. Soon after that they were living on their own, so she used her connections to hunt me down and we started sending letters. At first they were all 'blah blah blah, I miss you, I'll always only have eyes for you, come find me when you can, my one and only lovely, blah, blah, blah' and she would come around every once a while. Sometimes it was once a week, other times months, even years would pass before I could see her in person. The letters even slipped into an erratic pattern. It got to the point where when she got to me there was barely time for words we just looked for the first private and vaguely flat surface and went at it.   
"I know that's not what you want to hear, but it's relevant. Eventually we both realized this isn't what we wanted. We wanted that first date all over again, the deep profound connection. So I gave her a necklace, I doubt she ever wore it outside those moments, and said that fate would bring us back together when we needed to see each other. And for some time it did, and then it stopped until right before I met Hawke. She found me and it went back to the crazy physical. After everything with Hawke, and Batrand, I told her we had to go back to meeting by chance. And I haven't seen her since." He stopped for a moment to register where Cassandra was at.   
"And last night I sent a letter out to what was at least her old address telling her that I don't want a part of it anymore. If we find each other, we do, but we are not ever hooking back up. Ever. Because I can't take it anymore. I love and hate that relationship but ever since her marriage it's been largely hate. And there is this now. And I want this more than I ever wanted her, and I mean that." He stopped. "So that's it... that's the story."   
Cassandra sat there. She sat for what felt like hours but was probably only a couple of minutes. She finally looked at Varric. "Promise?" She whispered.   
He nodded, and suddenly she was on top of him, straddling his waist, running her hands through his hair and ripping out the piece of leather that held it back. He grabbed her ass and pulled her tighter up against his hips grinding into her. She bucked her hips desperately into his running her hands all over him, kissing every part of his exposed skin. "Are you sure?" He breathed into her ear.   
In lieu of response she ripped off her shirt and started pulling off his.


	5. Chapter 5

The night blurred for Varric, they moved all over the room, taking small breaks now and again to talk or cuddle. He wasn't sure how long he slept, but he must've fallen asleep at some point because he awoke to someone moving in the bed next to him. "Maker, Cassandra," he said reaching out to touch her. "If you want to go again I'm going to need to eat and drink something, for fuck's sake what are you made of?"  
"As flattered as I'm sure the Seeker would be if she were here, I am not her, however I assure you, you can always go one more time than you think you can." Varric's eyes popped open to see Dorian winking at him from the side of the bed Cassandra had ended up on. "The Lady Seeker was taken with Adaar to the Western Approach. She asked me to make sure you were still alive in her absence."  
"Well, I am." Varric said, pulling the covers up over his hips.   
Dorian chuckled. "Okay, Master Tethras." He turned to leave.  
"Wait!" Dorian turned back. "Do you know when she'll be back?"  
Dorian smiled. "Maker knows, Varric. Maker knows."  
After Dorian left Varric cleaned up the room and left it how it had been two nights ago. He left the room with once sad glance look around. With the room clean it seemed like nothing had ever happened.   
\---  
Weeks passed. The mages were rotated in and out from Adaar's company, but Sera and Cassandra stayed. Varric waited.   
\---  
Varric was starting to get worried. As long as the mages kept rotating it would quell his anxiety for the time being.   
He was sitting in his room hunched over his desk. He was writing a new chapter of Swords and Shields for Cassandra when she returned, plus it was a nice distraction. He heard a knock at the door, assuming it was Cole wanting more paper and ink to play with, after Varric had showed him how to draw he would not stop.   
He heard the door open, "Wait a second, Cole, let me finish this sent-"   
Lips were suddenly at his neck, he whipped around Cassandra grabbed him by the shirt lifting him up. He wrapped his legs around her waist, and she walked with him to the bed. He slipped onto the bed and pulled her down with him. "Wait a second, wait," he said panting.   
"What?" She asked wiping her bangs up from her forehead.   
"Are you okay? I mean you're alive, but- you're okay?" He asked cupping her face in his hands looking for any signs of injury.  
"Yes, Varric, are we done with the talking?" She said her accent thick because of her annoyance and impatience.   
He laughed, "Eager, Seeker?" 

She rolled her eyes and pushed him onto his back.


	6. Chapter 6

Varric woke up and cracked open eye, careful to make sure it was in fact Cassandra next to him this time. It was, so he threw his arm around her waist and pulled her into his chest. He kissed the nape of her neck which produced a noise from her in response. He smiled.  
She rolled over so she was facing him, "Good morning." She said rubbing her eyes.  
"Good morning," he said kissing her.  
She smiled and pushed her hand into her face, "Too early for kisses, Varric." She sat up and wrapped her braid around her head before patting the bed for her clip.  
"Never too early, Cass." He said and paused. "If Adaar doesn't need us today we should got Val Royeaux. Make a day of it, eat a nice lunch, take a walk."  
Cassandra finished pinning her hair and turned to him, "You would want to do that?"  
"Of course," he said looking at her surprised. "Why not?"  
"Never mind," she said. She stood up from the bed feeling Varric's gaze move up her body as she did, so she grabbed her pillow and through it at him with a laugh.  
"Can I not appreciate you, Lady Seeker?" He asked clutching the pillow.  
She shook her head and grabbed his tunic off the floor, "That's my -"  
"I know whose it is." She looked at him with a smirk and pulled it over her head. She looked down, it came just above her belly button and she shrugged before doing up the clasps.  
"No fair," he said. "I can wear yours!" He stood up to get a new one out of his closet as well as a pair of breeches.  
"This isn't what it looks like, I just can't walk out of your room with yesterday's clothes on." She said trying to defend herself as she pulled her pants up as high as they would go. Barely, just barely, the two pieces of cloth met leaving her stomach unexposed, much to Varric's disappointment.  
"Mhmm, sure, I knew you were using me for something," he said lacing up his breeches. "I thought it was my book royalties or my devilish good looks, but no, it's my stunning sense of fashion."  
She threw another pillow off the bed at him, this one, however, he caught. She walked over taking off one of her only non-magical rings. She stood behind him and undid his necklace, she slid the ring on it before clasping it back. "Happy?"  
He smiled and examined it before tucking the necklace under his shirt. He pushed up on to tiptoes so he could give her a kiss. "Let's go, my dearest Lady Seeker."


	7. Chapter 7

Cassandra and Varric walked through Val Royeaux holding hands. They stopped in the market to eat, laughing over a meal of fish, and more than a few goblets of wine. "So, I have to ask, Cass," Varric started. "You got to here all about Bianca, what about you? I can't be the first one to ever woo the high and mighty Lady Seeker."  
Cassandra looked to the sky as though to pray for patience. "No, Varric. There was one other. His name was Regalyan.  
"He died at the Conclave," she said shoving her food around her plate with anxiety.  
"Cass, I- you don't have to," she raised a hand silencing him.   
"He was a mage." She said. "I was stupid and willing to believe any boy who showed me attention was my one true love.  
"It was okay. He gave me flowers and stolen kisses. Every time I saw him I could only focus on the overwhelming fear of getting caught kissing a mage," she said. "But he did love me. And some part of me did love him.  
"It got complicated. The more responsibility that was piled on me, the less we saw each other. When I started taking you to the Conclave I wasn't even sure if I was going to have time to see him. I wasn't even really sure if I wanted to see him.   
"Do not misunderstand me, I loved him. It hits a point though, doesn't it? Where it feels like work and not love? And you can sustain it for a while, but unless it transitions back you end up running on fumes, dreading the next time you have to see them.   
"When I found out he died I just, broke. I didn't feel anything at first because I had to push it down, interrogate Adaar. But then, when he was being healed in Haven I just... lost it. I cried for days. I would fall asleep crying, wake up crying. I vomited. I was a mess, but I mourned. I moved on. I still hurt for him sometimes, in the same way I hurt for Anthony, who I will not be telling you about today. But I moved on." She looked at Varric, gauging his reaction.  
"Cass, I'm so, so sorry." He grabbed her hand from across the table. "I- I can't imagine."  
"No one can," she said. "I couldn't until- well, until I could. And now I can't imagine a time before."  
"Thank you for telling me," he said. He leaned across the table and kissed her cheek.   
"Good Maker, Varric, are you going soft on me now?" She released his hand and forced a smile.   
He thought about challenging her, but he realized she needed this. "Of course not."


	8. Chapter 8

"Well... this isn't what you want." Varric looked around him. So this was the Fade. He, the Inquisitor, Cassandra, Dorian, Stroud, and Hawke where stranded there. Everyone had their own reaction, Dorian's he felt was the most calm.   
Varric looked at Cassandra and frowned, when suddenly the came across Divine Justinia. "Not the Black Divine, but still interesting." Dorian muttered under his breath as they watched the Inquisitor and Justinia talk. Cassandra stood in awe, Varric reached over and touched her hand which made her relax a little. She squeezed his hand quickly and released it.   
After a few hours of running around the Maker forsaken fade, slaughtering demons left and right, and following the ambiguous if helpful directions of the Divine they began being taunted. At first Varric paid no mind to it. But then it called upon him, some of it out loud to all, but most of it inside his own mind.   
"Vaaarrrriiiic," the voice hissed. "You and I both know that you are the cause of this. Of everything. You and Bartrand. Hawke could have lived a good life. With Isabella. Or with Anders. The Conclave would still be standing, as would the Divine." The voice paused. "Look at her," it commanded and Varric involuntarily turned his head towards to Cassandra. "How could she ever love you? Remember when she found out you hid Hawke? How will she feel when she find out you destroyed her whole world? The woman to whom she was the Right Hand? She could never love you."   
Varric shook his head, he could not think of this for the moment. He continued on until the voice came again, "Cassssssandra," the voice said. "You are a failure. You cannot even protect those around you." And that's where the voice cut off to the outside world. But he could tell by her face that it was in her head still.   
A few minutes later Cassandra was back to normal and fighting with more rage than ever. They fought their way to what was tormenting them, and they fought that too. And they ran out of the Fade. When they escaped Varric, Cassandra, and Dorian held each other tightly gasping and on the verge of tears or something worse. Varric looked back to the entrance of the Fade. Stroud ran through. Then the Inquisitor. And it closed. And Varric broke.   
He screamed in anguish. He screamed until his voice gave out as the Inquisitor accepted the Wardens back. He kept screaming, noiselessly now. He went over to Stroud and started swinging. He felt someone restrain him and when he was release he ran after Adaar. He was restrained again. He screamed, and screamed, and screamed, and cried. And then he blacked out.


	9. Chapter 9

Varric woke up in his bed. His sheets and shirt were soaked with his tears. He found a tall glass of water on his bedside table and he chugged the whole thing. He was desperately in need of hydration after the amount of crying he had done. He tested his voice and it was croaky but there. He went to his desk and pulled a piece of paper of his stack.   
My Dear Sweet Bethany,  
He started crying again. The ink ran down the page. He had to do this soon. But he couldn't will himself to. He went down to the kitchen and grabbed as many glasses of water as he could carry. As he was setting them down on his desk and bedside table there was a knock at the door. His stomach flipped.   
"Hello?" It was Dorian. He breathed a sigh of relief. He opened the door and pulled the bastard in by his belt hugging him close. Crying into his chest.   
"Good Maker, man," he said. He held Varric close, stroking his hair. "Are you okay?"   
"Yes," Varric rubbed his eyes and nose. "I'm sorry. What do you need?"  
"Just making sure you're alive." He noted the water and paper. "Should I leave you alone?"  
Varric nodded. "Yep. I need to do this alone. I'm sorry."   
Dorian nodded slowly, examining him. He turned and left.   
\--  
Hours passed and Varric finally got one letter done.   
My Dear Sweet Bethany,   
I can't believe this is a letter I have to write. I can't believe this is a letter you will soon have to read. If this reaches you before your brother, or anyone else in Kirkwall, do not tell them. They are all getting their own personal letters from me. It's better that way.   
Hawke is dead. She sacrificed herself to save the Inquisition in the Fade. We physically went into the Fade. I can't describe it. I can't write much more on the subject at the present moment. Please feel free to ask any questions you need, I promise I will answer all of them to the absolute best of my ability.   
Yours,   
Varric  
\--  
He started to draft one for Anders next. This one would have to be far more blunt. There was another knock on the door. His stomach clenched. This had to be her.   
And it was. She opened the door slowly. "I should tell you," she started. "Dorian tried valiantly to keep me away."  
Varric nodded solemnly. "Varric, I-" she started.   
"Cassandra." He stopped her. "No. Whatever you are going to say. Don't say it. This is... this is over. I need to be by myself," he paused and then said, mainly for her benefit, "not forever."  
Cassandra started to say something.   
"Cassandra, don't." Varric stood up. "Please leave peacefully. I don't want a fight. I need to be alone."  
Cassandra starred at him for a long moment and then nodded. She turned on her heel and left. Varric fell back in his chair.


	10. Chapter 10

Varric spent days in bed crying, writing letters, and crying more. Varric wasn't sure how much time had passed but eventually Dorian entered his room. "Varric, I know, you don't want me here. Thank you, I love you, too," he said. "But you can save it. Because my best friend just died too and we can't both be sobbing messes because we collectively make up 45% of the Inquisition's beauty, wit, charm, and humor. And the ball at the Winter Palace is coming up so we have to be on our best feet."  
Varric buried his face in his pillow.  
"Very mature." Dorian went to Varric's closet. "Good Maker, man, do you have anything that isn't a lamb's wool blend?"  
He finally pulled out the two articles of clothing he found most suitable, a deep red tunic made of lustrous cotton and a pair of pants made of nug's skin. "You can change or I will change you myself and we both know I'm not kidding so I would start undressing." Dorian went to Varric's chest of drawers and pulled out clean small clothes and added them to the growing pile of clothing, along with a belt and the only pair of shoes Varric owned.  
"I appreciate what you are doing but-" Varric was cut off by Dorian ripping his shirt up over his head. "For fuck's sake, fine." Varric said pushing Dorian off of him and dressing himself.  
Dorian nodded to himself when Varric finished. "Come on then," he offered his elbow to Varric who took it reluctantly, muttering something under his breath.  
\--  
They arrived in Val Royeaux.  
"I know you won't find this exactly therapeutic but I do. We'll worry about you later. Right now you just need to feel what the outside world feels like again." Dorian said this as he lead Varric into a clothing and armor shop. Varric was on his elbow again but let go as they entered allowing Dorian to pile clothes in his arms.  
"His name was Felix," Dorian started.  
"He was this sickly thing," he said adding to the pile of clothes in Varric's arms. "I mean he looked like a perfectly healthy boy, but my Maker was he sick. So his death was an inevitability. I mean aren't ours all? But his was going to be premature. We all knew.  
"I was an apprentice to his father. When I was studying late at night Felix would bring me snacks. I kept saying "Your father will find out'. He always did like danger," Dorian smiled fondly. "Anyway, he was my best friend. People always thought we were lovers after the news about me broke. But it wasn't like that. I mean sure, we kissed here and now, and there was some fondling in moments of weakness. But that wasn't what our relationship was. That was just intimacy, you know? Just a nice reminder that we weren't alone.  
"It never got weird, we had our expectations on straight. Whenever his father found a new young woman to court we would stop until she was frightened off or Felix realized he really couldn't force himself to pretend to love her." Dorian paused. "But after we got out of our adolescence it pretty much stopped all together. Whenever people ask if we were lovers I always find it funny but then you just sort of have to remember, well yes I suppose I did have his dick in my mouth at one point, but it wasn't for the reason you're thinking of." Dorian looked at Varric expecting him to laugh, but he did not.  
Dorian shook his head. "I suppose we're done here."  
He paid for the clothes and then made Varric take up his elbow again.  
\--  
After dropping Dorian's shopping off at Skyhold and arming themselves Dorian found Varric again, "Let's go kill something and you can tell me about this 'Hawke'." Dorian smiled and Varric frowned but begrudgingly agreed.


	11. Chapter 11

Varric lined up the perfect shot through Bianca's scope. He took a deep breath in and on the release he fired the shot downing another ram.   
"As entertaining as this is," Dorian said shooting a fireball at a passing nug, "and believe me, this is top notch entertainment. We've been out here - by my calculations - for six hours and you've said nothing. Which has turned this from entertaining to terrifying and back again so many times I'm not actually sure which it is."   
Varric huffed and looked up at him. "What do you want to know about her?"  
"What was she like?" Dorian pried at him gently.   
"You know how everyone says Adaar has the worst luck ever?" Varric asked. "Well Hawke is damn near there. She had this insane uncle, up to his ears in debt. And did I ever tell you about her mother? She died by the hands of this crazy serial killer trying to remake his dead wife, he chopped off her head for it. Most women were luckier."  
Dorian nodded. "But what was she like?"  
Varric sighed. "I don't know. She was my best friend in the whole world. I would follow her to the end of the Earth. I mean I suppose I already have but... She was just amazing. She had this way to get everyone to love her, everyone would just eat out of the palm of her hand if she asked.   
"She had this way of making you feel like she cared about you on this weird deep level that was filled with more love than anyone who I have ever met," his mind flickered to Cassandra but he shook his head to rid the thought. "She - uh - she - well, I thought it was an act for the longest goddamn time. But after a while you just realize that's just who she is. Marian Hawke, the woman who would always always care about you.   
"But she had her limits, as everyone does." Varric found himself thinking to Cassandra again, but he pulled himself back from indulging. "The coldest thing I ever watched her do was hand Isabela over to the Arishok. But she just got pushed too far."   
He lost himself in that moment. Thinking about what the Nightmare had told him in the fade. How Isabela would have never been handed over, Hawke would still be alive, if not for him. He thought about his brother and how if he hadn't been so dead set on money he may still live. He thought about Anders and what could have become of him if he had had a better life.   
He thought about Cassandra too and how he could never be worthy of her. How she would one day find out that this really was all his doing. That he never did anything right. But he craved to be in her arms again. To hear her speak words of encouragement in his ear after a long fight. To do the same to her. To kiss her.   
"VARRIC!" Dorian shook him by his shoulders. "VARRIC?"   
"WHAT?!" Varric screamed back shaking Dorian by his waist to mimic him.   
"You've been standing there muttering to yourself," Dorian said.   
"Oh. Yeah. Sorry." Varric put Bianca on his back.   
Dorian pulled Varric into a hug and then leaned down to kiss both of his cheeks. "It's okay," he whispered. Varric started crying, and Dorian wiped his tears away with his thumbs. "It's okay, you're okay."   
Varric shook his head and wiped his eyes off on his sleeve. "I'm sorry."   
Dorian squeezed Varric's shoulder. "Can I ask you something more?"   
Varric nodded. Dorian looked at him sadly, "What did you say to Cassandra?"


	12. Chapter 12

"What? What do you mean 'what did you say to Cassandra?'?" Varric asked.  
"Well, here is everything I know to be true," he said. "After we got back to Skyhold after Fade I know she was in your room and then when I went to go use the bathroom a while later she was leaving your room crying and she hasn't come out of her room as long as you except to eat. And when she does she looks like a hot mess."   
Varric paused. "I told her that I needed to end things with her. You know, because of Hawke."   
Varric felt a sting in his cheek and he then registered it was because Dorian smacked him. "What the fuck?" Varric shouted.   
"WHY. WOULD. YOU. DO. THAT. THAT. WAS. NOT. A. GOOD. IDEA. WE. BOTH. KNOW. THAT. IS. NOT. WHAT. YOU. WANT." Dorian punctuated each word with a smack of his staff on the ground.   
"Yes. It. Is." Varric said. "I can't handle a relationship right now. I can't be there for her. I can't - I'm not- she doesn't deserve to bear this."  
"For fuck's sake, Varric!" Dorian said waving his free arm manically. "Check your asinine masculinity back in the Kirkwall. You don't have to be there for her all the time. She can be there for you, too. You don't have to provide or whatever the fuck it is you think you need to be doing for her. She can hold you as you cry, she can cry with you, she can bring you food and flowers, she can do all of the things for you. And she would. She will. You just need to let her." Dorian dropped to his knees so he was at eye level with Varric and put his hands on his shoulders. "You need to let her be there for you, too. You can't just run away when it gets rough for you. She wouldn't do that to you, and you wouldn't want her to."   
Varric nodded, but then he started shaking his head. "You don't understand. I- I caused this."   
Dorian's brow furrowed. "What?"   
"This," he gestured all around him and towards the direction of the Breech. "That-- thing in the Fade reminded me. It's all me. With Hawke and Bartrand... the red lyrium."   
"Varric that thing told me I deserved the blood magic my father used on me, and he should have taken it further," Dorian said. "Do you believe that."   
Varric rolled his eyes, "Of course not."   
"There you go, then," Dorian stood. "Please. Just... talk to her. You owe her that."   
Dorian looked around. "You ready to head back?"   
Varric nodded.


	13. Chapter 13

Varric knocked on Cassandra's door.   
Cassandra opened the door and frowned, she immediately wrinkled her nose, "Varric, you smell like the inside of a cask, rogue, and you're knocking on the wall."   
"Sandra," he slurred. "I need to talk to you." He pointed a drunken finger at her and then giggled.   
She shut the door on him. He banged his head against it. "Sssssssssssssssaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnddddddrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa."  
She opened the door just for the satisfaction of seeing him fall to the ground. She pushed him out with her foot and closed the door again.   
Varric staggered down the hall.   
\---  
He woke up in a vaguely familiar room that was definitely not his. He looked around and made eye contact with Dorian.   
"Ah, good you're awake." Dorian sucked in a breath. "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?"  
Varric winced and in trying to cover his ears he fell off the bed causing him to wince harder. "Shhhhhhh!" He hissed.  
Dorian lowered his tone marginally. "Why the fuck would you go in drunk to her to try and make up?"  
"I took one drink for courage but then I kept drinking to stall and then- I don't know," Varric pulled himself back onto his bed keeping his head in his hands. He reached for the strip of leather he used to bind his hair and pulled it back at the nape of his neck. His clothes had followed him to Dorian's room, that was a good sign.   
"Well, the good news is your damage control found you. She's not as pissed as she could be. You're trying again and this time I'm accompanying you so you do not get shitfaced first," Dorian said.  
"Okay," Varric stood up and pulled his tunic on and then his breeches. "Can I get new clothes first?"  
Dorian shook his head no. "We're doing this as fast as humanly - well - dwarvenly possible."  
Varric rolled his eyes. Dorian opened the door and made a gesture for Varric to go first. Varric walked down the hall feeling Dorian's presence behind him.   
Dorian reached over Varric to knock on the door and when Varric looked up at him with annoyance Dorian could only shrug.   
Cassandra opened her door and made eye contact with Dorian first, smiling warmly, however when her eyes caught sight of Varric she began to close the door. Dorian stuck his staff out blocking her. "Wait," he said. "Listen to him. Please."   
Varric looked up at Dorian anxiously and Dorian patted his back gently before giving him a push inside and shutting the door.   
Varric looked at Cassandra and back at the closed door and then back at her. He dug his toe into the floor twisting it back and forth. "I- look- Cassandra- I..." he trailed off. "I don't know how to do this."  
Cassandra crossed her arms over her chest and tapped her foot impatiently.   
"I should not have come here drunk, we both know that. But I do need to talk to you, actually this time," he scratched the back of his head. "I don't- I've never. The only person who has ever given a damn about me when I'm sad is Hawke. And she's dead. As you know. And I'm still alive. As you know. And... I don't know. Dorian told me I shouldn't have pushed you away. That you would want to... take care of me? I- I don't know, Seeker," he winced at calling her by her title but soldiered on. "I don't know how to let people take care of me, I guess. I just kind of throw them all away when things get rough so they don't have to deal with me. I mean... except for Hawke I guess. I don't know how to finish this, so unless you interject I'm going to keep repeating these last three sentences over and over again."   
Cassandra nodded, thinking. "I understand, but, Varric, this isn't going to work if we just run away when things get a little rough. We have to be able to stick to this. You have to promise me that if things get bad again you aren't going to run off like that," she sucked in a breath. "You can't- you can't break my heart like that again."   
He nodded. "I'm sorry, Cass."  
"Are you okay?" She had uncrossed her arms at this point and was finding a place to sit so she could be eye level with him. "I mean, I know you aren't okay, but?"  
He nodded and moved over to her. She was sat on the edge of the bed and he stood between her legs. He buried his face in the crook of her neck and his tears spilled over his eyelids and fell down her neck. She wrapped her arms around him and let him cry. The Seeker never realized how good it could feel to comfort someone. And she held him long into the night.


	14. Chapter 14

Varric woke up feeling gross. He had fallen asleep in Cassandra's bed, in his clothes, on top of the covers, covered in his own tears. His throat felt dry and hurt and his eyes were all but glued shut. He forced them open and looked around. Cassandra was sitting at the foot of the bed, watching him. She stood up and grabbed his hand pulling him out of bed. When she moved it revealed the large claw foot tub she had brought in the room, full of steaming water she had no doubt carried in herself.   
As he walked over to the tub holding Cassandra's hand he saw that it was full of rose petals. He looked at her and smiled. He took off his clothes and got into the tub. Cassandra moved behind him and rubbed his shoulders. He sighed and moved out of her touch for a moment to splash the water onto his face before leaning back. "I'm so sorry," she whispered in his ear. "Do you feel any better today?"  
Varric nodded. "Thank you, Cass," he said. "This is- no one's ever-"  
She squeezed his shoulders empathetically. She paused, debating with herself for a moment before saying, "I have a proposition for you, if you feel up to it."  
He turned to look at her, raising an eyebrow.   
In response she pulled his face to hers and kissed him deeply. He had briefly forgotten how it felt to kiss her, how soft her lips were in comparison to her calloused palms. She pulled back and pulled her tunic up over her head. He threw his head back in laughter and pulled her into the tub.   
\--  
After some strange bath sex, positioning was hard to perfect with the height difference to say the least, they decided to rechristen Cassandra's room. Every inch of it. By the end they were both exhausted and sweaty and drunk on love. "Not a typical mourning ritual." Varric said with a chuckle.   
Cassandra swatted at him lazily, they had finished on her bed. "Shh," she said. "Don't act like you didn't enjoy it."   
Varric climbed on top of her again, straddling her waist. "Oh, I loved it, Seeker." He kissed her passionately, hips lazily moving against each other.   
There was a pounding on the door and they both froze. Varric leap off of her.   
Varric pulled the blanket off of his bed and wrapped it around his hips for modest. Cassandra wrapped herself in his sheet and moved out of line of sight with the door. Varric opened it, rubbing his eyes to pretend he had been sleeping.   
"For Maker's sake," Dorian rolled his eyes. "Cass, this is for you too so no point in hiding wherever the fuck you are."  
"Modesty, Dorian." She hissed.   
"For fuck's sake, I'm gay," he rolled his eyes and stopped knowing that he was not going to win this. "We, you, me, and Cass, have been appointed to accompany our Ser Inquisitor to the Winter Palace."  
"Now?" Varric asked glancing back to where Cass was hiding.   
"Yes, now, no time for a quick one either, the ball is tonight," Dorian said passing Varric his and Cassandra's formal wear. "Get dressed, but bring back up."   
Varric nodded closing the door. He grabbed a rucksack from the foot of the bed and put his armor and Bianca in it, as well as a spare tunic and pair of breeches. No way in hell was he going to wear his fancy pants clothes under the armor, spare him from the wrath of Josephine if he spilt wine on it, much less blood.   
"Ah, red and blue together at last. The color combo we've been waiting for," he said tossing Cass her stuff. She rolled her eyes but smiled at his joke. They were gaudy.   
They dressed fairly quickly, he had to get Cassandra to help him, mostly because he was confused. Although she did call him out when he asked help with his belt, that was more recreational. She had to go and get her stuff so he gave her a quick peck on the cheek before leaving to find Dorian and the Inquisitor.


End file.
